Day 776 – Bulimia free me

I seem to have a sixth sense around the anniversary of begining of my bulimia free journey and it continues to be a great source of pride to see how far I’ve come.

Eating sensibly is now firmly a part of my everyday routine and I feel immeasurably better for it. To be free of the voice in my head – constantly totting up what I’ve eaten and what I’d have to throw up later – still feels epic, though I do wonder why that voice ever existed in the first place?

I’ve been on a journey of self discovery these past few years, I now know that my eating disorder is linked to my emotions and the death of my mother (as a teenager) was the thing to trigger my binges. As a result, I am careful to handle my emotions in a more positive way – running the shit out of the sidewalk is but one example- to avoid any slip ups.

There have been a couple of slip ups (I have to be honest) but they weren’t for the reasons you might think. I once overrate accidentally at a restaurant (long story but we thought it was a tapas menu and it wasn’t!) and another time I was in a rush and ate too quickly. My stomach seems to want to retch of it’s own accord if it becomes too full, this may be a remanent of years of forcing it to do this for me, as a result I’ve learnt to pace myself and reconnect with my fullness signals.

Overall, life post bulimia is pretty freaking awesome, I enjoy my food and the satisfaction of having occasional treats as well as taking the time to taste my meals, rather than stuffing myself with them to fill an internal void. It fills me with pride to think of how far I’ve come and I have gained the confidence to nurture other areas of my life, making positive improvements to my lifestyle.

My teeth are doing well too, my last trip to the dentist was positive but I might have to sign up for some CBT again to help me to stop grinding at night!

To anybody reading this who might be struggling as I was (for 10 years) please have hope, the journey to freedom (from an eating disorder before I get all Martin Luther!) is not an easy one but it is worth it, god is it worth it. It feels like stepping out of a cloudy sub-existence and walking into a fully focused, magical world, with colours, smells and taste you would have never thought possible.

Here’s to your recovery!

 

Today’s Mantra: Take the first step, you don’t have to see the whole staircase

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Day 384

Goodbye

Day Twenty-four

Day Sixteen, Seventeen…and half of eighteen!

Day One

 

 

 

 

 

Day 384

Wow, I suspected it had been a year since I started on my journey to be free of my eating disorder and it turns out it’s almost a year and a month!

So much has happened since I decided to become bulimia free. I married the man I love, we bought a house and had our second son in May.

I feel like a totally different person sitting here today, back then food consumed my every waking thought and decision. Now it’s merely another part of my day.  I’m proud that I got through my pregnancy, and my ever changing body, without slipping back into old habits.  I love my post baby curves and the fact that I am able to fuel up in a healthy way in order to breastfeed my baby.

This is the first time I’ve genuinely taken the time to look back, with each day that passed it became easier and easier to eat sensibly. I still have cravings for junk food, like every other woman out there, but instead of eating a block of chocolate I opt for a bar.

I don’t think there’s a one size fits all way to tackle an eating disorder but here are a few things which helped me to beat mine:

• Being honest with those closest to me – once the bulimic cat was out the bag it became harder to lie to myself and people around me about what I was doing.
• Taking evasive action –  From taking the lock off the bathroom door to shopping online to avoid post work supermarket sweeps of the sweet isle. It all helped to keep me on the sensible eating path.
• Celebrating Success – I regularly noted the savings I’d made from not buying heaps of junk food to binge on every night. Each month I rewarded myself with a new nail varnish.
• Know what works for you – Initially I had opted for as much help as possible (including CBT)  and I thought a daily diary would keep me on track, hence the blog. Before long the daily post about my eating disorder and the weekly chats with the therapist just made me feel that I was obsessing about food in other ways. I stopped posting and cancelled the therapy. Recovery was much easier after that.

So there it is, I think I can safely say I’m over the worst. I feel like a different person, with so much more time to spend living my life. I appreciate my family, friends and even food much more. I spend a normal amount of time in the toilet and no longer obsess about my teeth.

Thanks to everybody on here for the support and encouragement I received, it’s onward and upwards from here.

Lots of love

A healthier, happier me. XxX

Today’s mantra:  One day at a time

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Day one

Day seven

Day fourteen

Day twenty-one

Goodbye

Goodbye

So it’s been 30 days since I started on my journey to find the bulimia free me and I can officially say I haven’t puked for a month!

This is a huge achievement for me and I feel very proud,I’ve not been feeling myself for the past month. 

While I have gained a healthier attitude to food I’ve lost my healthy attitude to life. I would usually describe myself as a happy, glass is half full kind of person but I’ve been struggling to shake a doom and gloom outlook that’s been hovering over me like a huge grey cloud. 

I’m a firm believer that a positive outlook can change the world around you but I haven’t been able to find my happy place since I started on the road to recovery. It got me thinking, maybe I need to shift my focus.

Although this blog was an invaluable support for me in the beginning, I feel it is focussing my mind on my eating disorder, rather than my healthy lifestyle and the more positive aspects of my life.

For this reason I have decided to call it a day with the online Diary, returning to my old faithful paper diary which will be a chronology of everything that’s going well and the things that make me feel good. 

Thank you to everybody who logged on, liked and commented. The internet is often described as a hostile hateful place but I saw none of that on her, only support and encouragement when I needed it most. 

 

Lets hope it’s onwards and upwards for me!

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Day Twenty-five

Second day at home alone, well alone-ish…

 

My son and I had a relaxing morning breakfast then went out on our bikes for a sunny cycle. We spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning and I remembered to stop, midway, for a sandwich and a snack for my son. 

Later on we had my friend around for dinner, which was a light pasta and garlic bread for me. We went to a local festival with my friend and I was able to think sensibly and bring a bottle of water and apple for home time. 

We enjoyed our healthy snacks as we walked back a few hours later. My friend stayed well into the evening and water  turned to wine once the little man went to bed, I had half a glass and a small sandwich.

The easy feel of today has helped me to stay in control and forward plan, my partner is back tomorrow and I’m happy that I can speak honestly when he asks me how I’ve been.

 

Today’s Mantra: There are always blue skies behind the grey clouds 

Day Twenty-four

Great day today

Took it at my own pace, I had a volunteering commitment in the morning but I didn’t feel a lot like going, so I didn’t go. I’ve decide that I need to stop putting pressure on myself to do what is expected of me and start doing the things that make me happy. 

So where did I go instead? To the countryside for a 10k walk with my son and afterwards I felt great. Only problem was we had lunch at 12 and 5 hours later we were at the local market picking up dinner and my stomach was growling. 

Amazingly the bulimia monster didn’t have anything to say, I wasn’t even tempted by the chocolates and cakes my son was desperately trying to persuade me to buy. Proud moment!

We had dinner and I’ve spent the rest of the evening cleaning. My partner is away this weekend and if I’m truthful it has crossed my mind, more than a few times, that I could have the mother of all binges this weekend with fizzy pop, sweets, cakes and crisp…I could, but I won’t. 

It also crossed my mind that this is the furthest I’ve ever come without binging and purging and I can see so many differences in my life already. I need to stay strong and carry on this path, it feels like the right one. 

Today’s Mantra: Put yourself first

 

Day Twenty-three

Today did not go to plan

It started off so well, I had an amazing run and felt great but then it went a little off script…

My son had to to go to hospital for an unexpected procedure and had to rest at home. I’ve spent the remainder of the day juggling work stuff and my poor little man as well as a sore throat of my own. 

I have manage to resist the bulimia monster who did prey on a moment of weekness by feeding me a couple of extra slices of bread. Thankfully I was able to show restraint and have gone another day without binging or purging. 

I had an argument with my partner earlier, not sure he understands how much of an effort staying focussed on my recovery is. My sister managed to cheer me up with a lovely text saying how much she loves and looks up to me. 

Let’s hope I become a better role model for myself 😀 

Today’s mantra: Take the good with the bad and remember to smile 

Day Twenty-two

Today was my best day so far!

I woke up feeling motivated and went straight out for a run which gave me energy and clarity. 

I had my telephone interview for therapy with a lovely man who was kind and listened to exactly what I had to say. He seemed to understand how my eating disorder affects my mind much more than my body. 

He agreed that I should have a course of CBT but wan’t sure if his manager would say a referral to an eating disorder treatment facility would be better. I explained that I’d been referred for treatment before and during the six month wait for help I lost hope. I told him I felt that I am doing well with my recovery but just need a little bit of input to help manage my negative thoughts. He agreed one hundred percent and pushed for the CBT referral.

I’m happy to say I’ve been referred for CBT and I will hear back from them in no more than 14 days! It’s a huge relief that I will be getting the help I need and it was so nice to speak to somebody who wasn’t sneering and judging me because I’m not an emaciated bulimic. I need help just as much as those who are underweight. 

I had a great day after that, work was brilliant, I was full of energy and had no self doubting thoughts. This evening has been a doddle, I ate dinner and relaxed with my family.

 

Today’s Mantra: Believe and it can be done

 

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Day One

Day Seven

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Days Twenty and Twenty-one

Yesterday wasn’t my best day, I ate very well in work and although I noticed my sugary snack cravings have reduced, I felt fat in my work pants. Cue the bulimia monster to taunt me all day that this is the price for eating ‘normally’ and I won’t fit into my wedding dress…

I cycled to and from work yesterday and was rather hungry when I arrived home, I ate a small plate of pasta and Bombay potato, random combination I know but It’s the end of the month and anything goes in our house. I had planned to go for a run but didn’t make it so spent the rest of the night feeling lousy, fat and lazy. 

Today was much better, I had a great day at work and told myself I was definitely going to do some exercise when I got home. I feel like I’ve gained weight and it has taken the feel good factor out of my usual exercise routine. I’ve also started doubting my fitness ability. I’ve ran at least twenty half marathon’s over the past two years, I have one coming up in September and I suddenly find myself thinking can I do this? 

Anyway, I gave my head a shake and reassured the bulimia monster that my eating disorder does not have the power to take away my fitness levels. I didn’t go for a run but I did go for an 18 mile bike ride, I found my happy place again and was reassured that I’m still if fairly fit!

I had a light dinner today and lots of asparagus, I don’t think my mind can cope with heavy food of an evening, I’m not quite there yet! 

I’m feeling proud tonight because I’ve officially reached my 3rd Bulimia free week and tomorrow I have my telephone assessment for Cognitive behavioural therapy and there’s a Bulimia support group next Thursday which I’m going along to. 

My partner spoke to me today, he told me how proud he is that I’m facing my demons and he said I’ve inspired him. At the age of 33 he has requested a dyslexia test from his employer. He revealed that his dyslexia is something he’s always tried to hide and felt ashamed of but he finally has the confidence to ask for help. I’m so proud of him!

Today’s Mantra: Exercise clears the mind

 

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Day one

Day Seven

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Day Nineteen

Today was an easy day

I woke up feeling a little but I had a lovely morning in work which gave me an energy boost. I ate very healthy, vitamin rich meals today, making up for yesterdays junk food hangover cure. 

I was especially proud when my partner picked up a take away and I opted to prepare a healthy Tuna Jacket at home instead .

I’ve been full of energy and busy with wedding preparations this evening. It’s been a lovely evening and I haven’t worried about food once. 

I like Mondays!

Today’s Mantra: Onwards and upwards 

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Day Fourteen

Day Seven

Day one

 

 

Day Sixteen, Seventeen…and half of eighteen!

Hey!

So my week got a whole lot better, I finally finished painting my hall and the world, once again, became a happy place!

I’ve been out running, out with my family and out with my friends. It’s been a great time this weekend. 

I’m proud to report that I have not binged or purged this weekend but I have been sick…

I went out with my friends for a cocktail fuelled catch up last night, I’m not a big drinker and I had way too much. Cut a long story short, I was sick on my way home (at 3am), at home and once this morning. 
I’m 100% sure that this is alcohol, not eating disorder related, as I made a point of avoiding overeating before and after drinking. 

I think my plan worked a little too well though, I had a small plate of Moroccan cous cous before I left and forgotten that all important rule, don’t drink on an empty stomach. My stomach was not as full as it needed to be for drinks with the girls, I’ll have to strike some sort of balance as it’s my hen night in a few weeks and I can’t have a repeat of last night!

On the plus side, I’ve noticed some positives this weekend:

• My skin has cleared up, to the point that it’s practically glowing!
• My teeth and gums feel fine, they haven’t felt this fine in a long time, big smiles!
• I still fit into my clothes, I was beginning to panic about gaining weight but I’ve managed to stay the same size, and the bulimia monster has stopped telling me I’m a fat mess. 

I’ve managed to get through today by eating small amounts of the food my hangover is craving, veggie sausage and egg on toast, one bag of hula hoops and a hot chocolate…the healthy eating has been vetoed today!

I’ll get back on the healthy track tomorrow, I’m pleased I didn’t binge though.

Today’s Mantra: Know your limits