Day One

Yesterday my son was sick, he was sick because he ate too much when he was out with his nanny and granddad and his tummy was upset. I’m not sure what the normal parenting reaction to something like this should be because I’m not a normal parent. I’ve been suffering from Bulimia Nervosa for the past 13 years and the fact that my child has been sick as a result of eating too much food has shocked me to my core.

I do believe that my son was genuinely sick because he ate too much of the wrong food when he was out with his grandparents, he eats a healthy balanced diet at home and has the correct portion sizes. I however do not, but as any bulimic will know, I’ve become a master in the art of deception over the years and those close to me have no idea about my secret. I eat a balanced diet, healthy portion sizes and exercise regularly by day, but once night falls and my son is asleep I gorge on crisp and chocolate, sometime for hours at a time, until the food taste of nothing and is merely a sensation in my mouth. Then I throw it all up, repeating the process sometimes until bedtime. In one night I could easily get through £20 worth of snacks. When I’ve finished I run out to the bin and hide the evidence, off to bed and back up in the morning ready for another day of deception.

 

The shameful thing is I’ve been lying to everybody for years, there was a time when my eating disorder was common knowledge but over the years I managed to convince everybody, even myself, that I was better. I’m not. This incident with my son has been the trigger I needed. I’ve tried a handful of times before to beat my bulimia but this time I know I have to do it. Yesterday was the wakeup call I needed, my son hadn’t made himself throw up but if I don’t change my eating habits soon, one day he might. One day he’ll be old enough to stay up late at night with me, what will he think of the bags of food, the packets of crisp, the biscuits and the sweets. Will he think it normal, will he follow suit? It makes me sick just thinking about it (metaphorically not physically I assure you) so it’s a case of now or never.

I’ve realised I can’t do it alone and I’ve spent the night researching recovery methods. My first step is this; I will be sharing my story on here, anonymously, every day, one day at a time. I’ve achieved a great many things in my life and I’ve always taken them one day at a time and I don’t think this should be any different. I have no doubt it will be hard but I’ve overcome harder, over the past 7 years I’ve changed my life in ways I’d never have imagined and I’ve achieved things I never thought possible. Now it’s time to wave goodbye to my last remaining demon. Bulimia has sat in the back of my mind quietly, ready to strike whenever I’m stressed, tired or emotional but it can’t happen anymore. There has to be another way, I’m determined to get better.

I found some useful sites for support and inspirational stories today, they’ve helped a lot with planning the logistics of eating normally. The websites have provided a wealth of information and a welcome distraction. I’m pleased to report that, for the first time in a long while; I’ve eaten three square meals and have only been to the toilet for calls of nature.

It’s a great start and I’m determined to stay strong for my son.