Day 776 – Bulimia free me

I seem to have a sixth sense around the anniversary of begining of my bulimia free journey and it continues to be a great source of pride to see how far I’ve come.

Eating sensibly is now firmly a part of my everyday routine and I feel immeasurably better for it. To be free of the voice in my head – constantly totting up what I’ve eaten and what I’d have to throw up later – still feels epic, though I do wonder why that voice ever existed in the first place?

I’ve been on a journey of self discovery these past few years, I now know that my eating disorder is linked to my emotions and the death of my mother (as a teenager) was the thing to trigger my binges. As a result, I am careful to handle my emotions in a more positive way – running the shit out of the sidewalk is but one example- to avoid any slip ups.

There have been a couple of slip ups (I have to be honest) but they weren’t for the reasons you might think. I once overrate accidentally at a restaurant (long story but we thought it was a tapas menu and it wasn’t!) and another time I was in a rush and ate too quickly. My stomach seems to want to retch of it’s own accord if it becomes too full, this may be a remanent of years of forcing it to do this for me, as a result I’ve learnt to pace myself and reconnect with my fullness signals.

Overall, life post bulimia is pretty freaking awesome, I enjoy my food and the satisfaction of having occasional treats as well as taking the time to taste my meals, rather than stuffing myself with them to fill an internal void. It fills me with pride to think of how far I’ve come and I have gained the confidence to nurture other areas of my life, making positive improvements to my lifestyle.

My teeth are doing well too, my last trip to the dentist was positive but I might have to sign up for some CBT again to help me to stop grinding at night!

To anybody reading this who might be struggling as I was (for 10 years) please have hope, the journey to freedom (from an eating disorder before I get all Martin Luther!) is not an easy one but it is worth it, god is it worth it. It feels like stepping out of a cloudy sub-existence and walking into a fully focused, magical world, with colours, smells and taste you would have never thought possible.

Here’s to your recovery!

 

Today’s Mantra: Take the first step, you don’t have to see the whole staircase

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Goodbye

Day Twenty-four

Day Sixteen, Seventeen…and half of eighteen!

Day One

 

 

 

 

 

Day Fifteen

Today wasn’t the best day

I managed to go another day without binging or purging 🙂 but I’ve felt like crap, especially this evening 😦 I’m stressed!

I’m not sure if this is just part of the Bulimia recovery package but today I’ve felt lousy. 

I managed to get out for a cycle with my son this morning but I’ve been stuck indoors since this afternoon trying to finish the decorating I started on Tuesday. 

I thought I’d be finished by now but painting the hall is a bigger job than I thought it would be. 

My partner hasn’t been very supportive today and I have so much to do. Sometimes it feels like I have to take the lead on every aspect of life. If I don’t do it nobody will, I can’t rely on anybody to do anything and people hardly offer to help. I on the other hand am called upon for everything and I’m always more than willing. I enjoy helping others and being able to support people but I do wish that there was somebody who didn’t expect anything from me, someone who could let me have a day off while they take control, if only… 

Clearly I’ve spent too much time inside today and too little time exercising, let’s hope tomorrow is a better day for me! 

I’m hoping my Bulimia recovery is like my hall, a bit of a mess at the moment but with a little time and effort, it will be fine, all shiny and new.

Today’s Mantra: Tomorrow is a new day

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Day Eight

Today was quiet the challenge

I had a surprise inspection at work, the stress was unbelievable but I did well.

Unfortunately I got caught up in the celebrations and ate some cake and chocolates. As I’ve been cutting down on sugar I really felt the effects of this and struggled to stay on track afterwards, envisioning chocolate and cake binges when I got home. The cycle home helped to clear my mind.

As I knew I was in my danger zone, I drank a carrot and leek juice and went straight out for a run once I was home. The juice gave me my energy back and the run helped me to overcome the bulimia monster who was whispering in for a penny…

I decided to have a small dinner, a banana sandwich to be precise. I knew if I had anything bigger the worry about that and the cake and the chocolates, would be too much. 

I’m happy to say it worked, I’ve managed to go another day without purging. I’m feeling extra proud because today is day 8 and this is the longest I’ve gone without purging for 13 years! I know there’s still a long way to go but this is my first big milestone and I’m feeling good.

I’m going to be mindful of sugar at work tomorrow, the phantom hunger and dips in energy are a dangerous combination for a recovering bulimic…I’ll have my carrot sticks ready! 

Today’s Mantra: I have the power to change my own mind